Everything You Will Ever Need To Know About Self-Defense and Lemonade (With Some Humor)

Here are two videos from derrick comedy. This first video shows the easy essentials for self-defense. Anybody can do it, it's easy.



Please don't forget to gain wrist control before pulling out your gun. This second video is about delicious Pennyweather lemonade. It's all in the secret ingredient.



The second thing you taste ... is the sulfur.

Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondents' Dinner

Stephen Colbert was the guest speaker at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Dinner. He roasts George Bush (who is sitting a couple of feet away the whole time). Colbert makes him look foolish with his sarcastic critique of the Bush government. The whole speech is included in these three videos:

Jon Stewart on Crossfire

This is a video of Jon Stewart, host of "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central, going on CNN's "Crossfire". Jon decides to speek his mind about "Crossfire" and Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson seem a bit helpless. CNN eventually canceled "Crossfire" partly because of Jon Stewart's criticisms in this interview.



It's got to take guts to do what he did. My favorite part is "how old are you ... and you wear a bowtie."

Top 10 Buzzer Beaters

This is a video of the top 10 long-distance buzzer beaters of the 2006-2007 NBA season. Some of the NBA stars in here are Lebron James, Rasheed Wallace, and Chris Bosh. My reasoning in putting this video on here was this: everybody likes to watch exciting and extremely difficult sports plays, so maybe they would enjoy watching this video, which is full of exciting and extremely difficult basketball shots.

Poem

Rough Stuff

One man sat glumly chewing an old wad of gum
Then he took it out with a thick sausage thumb
He pressed his gum into the bottom of the bench
And that is when he noticed a bloody monkey wrench.

This wrench was lying there innocently enough
But the blood stains spoke of fights and rough stuff
The man bent down to put the wrench in his pocket
And that is when he noticed a gore-covered sprocket.

He thought perhaps the two items were related
But on second thought the wrench looked a bit more dated
For the blood had dried and formed a flaky crust
While the sprocket's blood was fresh, without a flake of dust.

It seemed like the blood had come there recently
And that's when he noticed a man behind a tree
The man moved towards him, brandishing a chisel
On the man's chest was a nametag that said Bill.

It was Bill's job to keep the park benches clean
And he was not at all happy with the current scene
For peeking from under the park bench he could gleen
A different flavor of gum for every possible cuisine.

Soccer Penalties

Here is a video of Johann Cruyff with Ajax executing perfectly a beautiful penalty.



Now here is Robert Pires with Arsenal trying to do the same kind of thing with Thierry Henry. He isn't able to pull it off with quite as much class as Cruyff.



Just remember when you take a penalty, it's better if you actually touch the ball.

A Colorful Pattern I Created by Myself

I drew this beautiful geometric design using only some markers, my hands, and a little brainpower. Some of you may say, "Wow, I can't believe he didn't have help creating that!" Your incredulity is what fuels me to always do my best work.

Introspection

It is not very important for most people to practice introspection. Does it really matter how you view yourself? No. Despite it's arbitrary nature, I think some people would benefit from a little self observation and critique once in a while. How do you know if you should look inside yourself? Well ... if you have recently (within the past year) committed a felony, perhaps you should look at your character and try to decipher what caused you to do wrong. If you haven't committed a felony recently, then ask yourself, "Did you answer the previous question truthfully, because I know criminals are prone to lying. Perhaps you forgot what happened last weekend?" If you still deny committing a serious crime then congratulations, you should go eat a cake because you are not a criminal, and unless one of your psychiatrists tells you to, you have no need to introspect.

Poem

I have
Something
To say
To you.

Have
You ever
Wondered
Why this
Poem
Is
Taking
So long to read when you could've read it very quickly if your eyes didn't have to jump to the next line after every word.

On the "On the Origin of Species"

I haven't got the time to write a full review of Charles Darwin's book on evolution. I just wanted to write this post to demonstrate how clumsy the title of that review would have been: "On the On the". That would have been fun. On the right is a picture of the great-bearded English naturalist himself, Charles Darwin. I bet he is bald under that hat.

Photo By Colin Purrington