Everything You Will Ever Need To Know About Self-Defense and Lemonade (With Some Humor)

Here are two videos from derrick comedy. This first video shows the easy essentials for self-defense. Anybody can do it, it's easy.



Please don't forget to gain wrist control before pulling out your gun. This second video is about delicious Pennyweather lemonade. It's all in the secret ingredient.



The second thing you taste ... is the sulfur.

Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondents' Dinner

Stephen Colbert was the guest speaker at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Dinner. He roasts George Bush (who is sitting a couple of feet away the whole time). Colbert makes him look foolish with his sarcastic critique of the Bush government. The whole speech is included in these three videos:

Jon Stewart on Crossfire

This is a video of Jon Stewart, host of "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central, going on CNN's "Crossfire". Jon decides to speek his mind about "Crossfire" and Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson seem a bit helpless. CNN eventually canceled "Crossfire" partly because of Jon Stewart's criticisms in this interview.



It's got to take guts to do what he did. My favorite part is "how old are you ... and you wear a bowtie."

Top 10 Buzzer Beaters

This is a video of the top 10 long-distance buzzer beaters of the 2006-2007 NBA season. Some of the NBA stars in here are Lebron James, Rasheed Wallace, and Chris Bosh. My reasoning in putting this video on here was this: everybody likes to watch exciting and extremely difficult sports plays, so maybe they would enjoy watching this video, which is full of exciting and extremely difficult basketball shots.

Poem

Rough Stuff

One man sat glumly chewing an old wad of gum
Then he took it out with a thick sausage thumb
He pressed his gum into the bottom of the bench
And that is when he noticed a bloody monkey wrench.

This wrench was lying there innocently enough
But the blood stains spoke of fights and rough stuff
The man bent down to put the wrench in his pocket
And that is when he noticed a gore-covered sprocket.

He thought perhaps the two items were related
But on second thought the wrench looked a bit more dated
For the blood had dried and formed a flaky crust
While the sprocket's blood was fresh, without a flake of dust.

It seemed like the blood had come there recently
And that's when he noticed a man behind a tree
The man moved towards him, brandishing a chisel
On the man's chest was a nametag that said Bill.

It was Bill's job to keep the park benches clean
And he was not at all happy with the current scene
For peeking from under the park bench he could gleen
A different flavor of gum for every possible cuisine.

Soccer Penalties

Here is a video of Johann Cruyff with Ajax executing perfectly a beautiful penalty.



Now here is Robert Pires with Arsenal trying to do the same kind of thing with Thierry Henry. He isn't able to pull it off with quite as much class as Cruyff.



Just remember when you take a penalty, it's better if you actually touch the ball.

A Colorful Pattern I Created by Myself

I drew this beautiful geometric design using only some markers, my hands, and a little brainpower. Some of you may say, "Wow, I can't believe he didn't have help creating that!" Your incredulity is what fuels me to always do my best work.

Introspection

It is not very important for most people to practice introspection. Does it really matter how you view yourself? No. Despite it's arbitrary nature, I think some people would benefit from a little self observation and critique once in a while. How do you know if you should look inside yourself? Well ... if you have recently (within the past year) committed a felony, perhaps you should look at your character and try to decipher what caused you to do wrong. If you haven't committed a felony recently, then ask yourself, "Did you answer the previous question truthfully, because I know criminals are prone to lying. Perhaps you forgot what happened last weekend?" If you still deny committing a serious crime then congratulations, you should go eat a cake because you are not a criminal, and unless one of your psychiatrists tells you to, you have no need to introspect.

Poem

I have
Something
To say
To you.

Have
You ever
Wondered
Why this
Poem
Is
Taking
So long to read when you could've read it very quickly if your eyes didn't have to jump to the next line after every word.

On the "On the Origin of Species"

I haven't got the time to write a full review of Charles Darwin's book on evolution. I just wanted to write this post to demonstrate how clumsy the title of that review would have been: "On the On the". That would have been fun. On the right is a picture of the great-bearded English naturalist himself, Charles Darwin. I bet he is bald under that hat.

Photo By Colin Purrington

Creedocide: The Best Way to Get Rid of Rats

In this video clip from "Important Things with Demetri Martin" on Comedy Central, an innovative technology is used to eliminate a rat problem. Creedocide uses the power of religion to completely free your home of rats. I would definitely buy some Creedocide if it were on the market.

Important Things with Demetri MartinWed 10:30pm / 9:30c

Power - Creedocide

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

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Poem

Thank You?

Is there anything better
Than opening a fat letter

Stuffed with a large cache
Of crisp new cash

This happened yesterday
So I stashed the cash away

Fraught with consternation
About the lack of an explanation

Whoever it was from
They are still mum.

Poem

Wouldn't it be weird
If you looked down
A small tunnel
And saw
Dark.

You would think to yourself
There's a hand covering
The end of my
Telescope
Stop it.

Chessboxing

Here's a video about a sport called chessboxing on ESPN. Turns out it's just what it sounds like: a combination of chess and boxing. It actually seems like a pretty clever idea to combine a brainy game like chess with a brawny sport like boxing.

Some Drawings

I hope you have fun staring at these drawings, I certainly did. I think they tell a story of hope, love, and eventual despair. While examining these mindless doodles, it is good to examine your own spirituality. Ask yourself: Why are you here? Are you happy with your life? What could you do to make the world a better place? If you answered yes to all three of these questions, then you should consult a doctor ... or a close friend. Ask them for a great deal of money. If they become exasperated and refuse to give you money, you have a right to become upset. If you are in a public place you should consider making a scene by climbing onto the table and shouting an incoherent stream of words. Do not heed your close friend or doctor as they urgently tug on your arm to try to calm you down. Just keep on shouting. If it's your doctor, you may insult his stethoscope. If it is your close friend, you may say anything which you think will alienate him forever because he has betrayed your friendship by refusing to give you money.

Doodles with Pencil on Paper

Take a minute out of your day to ponder the deeper meaning of these doodles.

Demetri Martin- "The Jokes With Guitar"

Here is a youtube video somebody made combining the sound of comedian Demetri Martin's "The Jokes With Guitar" album and some pictures. Demetri Martin is one of my favorite comedians. His jokes are very clever and his delivery is great because he always keeps a dead-pan sound to his voice. Demetri Martin used to be a correspondent on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart". He covered high school and college students in his segment, "Trendspotting with Demetri Martin". This led to Comedy Central featuring him in a stand-up performance called "Demetri Martin, Person" He now has a new show on Comedy Central called "Important Things with Demetri Martin". I highly recommend you watch this video to see if you like him.

Fascinating Tombstones

Photo by dvs





Photo by Ephemeron

I found these tombstones to be scintillatingly interesting. First a person who was aptly named. In fact, everybody ought to be named Deadman because we're all going to be dead for the majority of time. Secondly, a perfect example of why everyone should wear a set of dogtags at all times. There's always a chance you will die and be unrecognizable, and if that happens, you run an even greater risk: somebody will mess up the spelling on your tombstone. Do you want your tombstone to be the butt of jokes for eternity? Wear dogtags.

U.S. Defeats Mexico in World Cup Qualifying Soccer Match

The United States Men's National Soccer team recently defeated their biggest rival Mexico 2-0. The United States was boosted by two goals from midfielder Michael Bradley, son of head coach Bob Bradley. Mexico's captain Rafael Marquez earned a red card about 70 minutes into the match for a nasty challenge on U.S. goalkeeper Tim Howard. The victory makes the U.S. the definite favorites to win their CONCACAF region and qualify for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Here are the highlights of the game, played in Columbus, Ohio:

Get In Shape With This Proven Workout

Are you ready for the body you have always dreamed of? All you need to achieve your goal of a toned, muscular body is the will to do it with this tried and tested method of full- body exercise!

Warm-Up

1. 3-mile run
2. 35 push-ups
3. 65 sit-ups

Main Workout

1. 50 bicep curls
2. 200 push-ups
3. 500 sit-ups
4. 20- mile run

Cool-Down

1. 10 push-ups
2. 10-mile speed walk

If you complete this simple workout four times a week for three years, you will become much fitter than you are now.

Have a nice day.

Wow! That was so awesome! Too bad I'm not going to tell you what just happened. Remember to stay true to yourself and never, ever, under any circumstances, do anything.